August 21

Dear Snake Oil Salesperson,

I notice that you seem to send me a lot of emails. I have a few questions for you:

  1. I’m interested in the grammar of this ad: when you say that “People are noticing your fat,” I’m curious. Which fat are they noticing? The fat on my legs, the fat on my stomach or the fat on my arms? Is it a specific fat? Or was this ad intended to read, “People are noticing that YOU’RE fat” which would be a totally different meaning?
  2. What specifically is involved in “building a better butt” exactly? Will that involve a trip to Home Depot because I don’t think I have the tools for that. Seems like I might need some kind of structural supports for such an ambitious undertaking.
  3. “Maintain extraordinary energy?” You mean like a Frappacino? What a minute…do you serve your product with that little caramel drizzle on top? Because that might be a game changer.
  4. And what kind of performance are we talking about here? Job performance? Performance executing my parental responsibilities? Will it help me tap dance? Sing Barber of Seville? Or are you suggesting that I need to up my game in the bedroom? Won’t my “better butt” take care of that?
  5. By the way, do you send this to everyone or did someone who “noticed my fat” put me on your list?
  6. Lastly, I’m a lot less worried about my fat than the fat of the person on the scale who appears to weigh 1,126 lbs. Maybe you should focus on her.