May
09
Parent Rotation
Before I became a parent I had all kinds of dreams about things I wanted to do with my child. Some of them included volunteer roles I wanted to have at her school and in some of her activities. They were simple things like going on field trips, planning a class party, organizing the bake sale or helping organize Girl Scout Cookie sales.
The thing no one ever told me however, is that there would be parents who would squat on many of these roles for years at a time. This may not be the case where you live but in our community the parents are very active in their children’s activities. I respond to the email call for chaperones on a field trip with the lightning speed that one would call in to a radio station to be the first caller to win $5,000 but alas, Tommy’s mom or Jenny’s dad, who has been chaperoning field trips, planning class parties or organizing the Girl Scout cookies for the past 10 years had, once locked in the position. Teachers have their hands full and don’t want to have to tell a parent to maybe sit out a year or event. In fact, our daughter is just about to finish 8th grade and it wasn’t until yesterday that I was able to chaperone a field trip. She quit Girl Scouts after six years and I never was able to crack the Girl Scout Cookie ring. And room parent? No way. I’d have better odds of becoming the next pope. Parent-teacher organization? That will never happen. Someone self-appoints herself or himself to a role in first grade it’s pretty much a term that extends for the duration that extends until graduation.The only role that’s ever open is related to fundraising or maybe the food drive, activities that are the anchovies of the parent volunteer-activity pizza. Granted there are some activities in which I have no interest in being involved because there’s just waaaay too much drama or dysfunction.
I think these parents are well-intentioned and trying to be helpful. I’m told that some of them spend a large part of the day volunteering in a variety of capacities at the school which is how they always end up in these roles, making it more challenging for those of us who have jobs to have a chance to participate in school activities. So as the school year ends, I’d like to humbly ask all of those parents who have been in the same volunteer roles year after year at a school, coordinating the fun activities, throwing the class parties, planning the field trips and orchestrating the costumes for the play to consider offering that role to someone else. How about the classic inventory AYSO model of play? When you’ve had your turn at one role, you need to go to the back of the line again until everyone else who wants a turn has had one. Allowing other parents to participate in school functions and community positions is good for their families and the school because it increases family engagement. And for those of us with only one child, we don’t get many shots at this stuff. We’d like to make some school-related memories with our kid too.
yes. it's my real name. 
Likewise, I’d like all those parents who seem to think it’s “someone else’s job” to step up and take their turn. If there are 300 hs students in band, there are something like 600 parents available to them. There should be more than 20 parents who are willing to help with all the band activities. Frankly, I KNOW it is partly that those who DO keep asking the same people to help, over and over. They need to extend that invitation farther.
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Absolutely. That is part of the problem. Parents aren’t engaged because someone else always does it. Sometimes they want to be engaged but they can’t find an in.
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I have been getting a complex about this issue myself, except from a little different angle. We have a similar situation in that parents tend to be VERY involved in the school. Not only are parents invited to big performances and field trip but also, it seems, every class party and special event (field day, pioneer day, etc.) And, some parents even go eat lunch with the kids. I work “full time plus” and my husband takes care of our three-year-old, so it’s pretty much impossible for us to be up at his school on a regular basis. It all has led me to wonder if parents are TOO involved with school and need to back off a little? This feeds into the whole current “helicopter parenting” vs. “free range kids” discussion. Looking back to my elementary school career in the 1970s, I don’t recall a parent EVER being there during the day. Should kids be given more space to develop an identity outside of the family? Am I just rationalizing my guilt? I do what I can (which usually amounts to just preparing and/or and sending things from home), and I don’t doubt that parent involvement is what makes our school district as good as it is. But hey, if my noninvolvement makes space for another awesome parent like you, Weeks, who really WANTS to be involved, that thought gives me some comfort!
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I’m going to say something here that some may not appreciate but I think is the honest-to-God truth as I have experienced it. I think some parents — usually moms — don’t quite know what to do with themselves when the last kid goes off to school. Either they don’t want to work during school hours or they have a strong need to be needed and that fits in easily with the need to constantly be at school in one role or another. Frankly, I think if they had something else very fulfilling in their lives above and beyond volunteering at school they wouldn’t be there as often. For some to re-enter the work force after 10 years or so is intimidating while others don’t need or want to work and fill their lives with a variety of volunteer positions, which is great also. I don’t think it’s helicopter parenting as much as it is the lack of an identity beyond their children’s lives. Conversely I think some parents who work long hours are too detached and have forgotten that their kids want them to understand their world, their routines and what’s important to them. I had hoped to do one activity at school per semester when Sophie entered school. I did reading with kids in kindergarten, did the Chinese New Year party for a few years (because the other moms had no interest in that holiday), baked for bake sales and did a fundraising project for Sophie’s class in 5th grade. We offered annually to do a class math project with quilting, develop a school website to get rid of all of the ridiculous stack of papers that used to come home, organize a fundraising project, etc and were told no thanks at every turn. I hope that you’ll try at least once a year to do something because even though you work long hours, there’s got to be one hour in the year that you could spare to contribute to your kid’s school. It’s a big deal to them and is probably bigger in your head than the burden would be in reality. Just my 2 cents.
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Yes. I agree, i only had one opportunity to volunteer for my son, stuffing envelopes for the newsletter, and it was clear I was only there because the “regular” participant was on vacation. I think our children need to see us occasionally at school so they know how important school really is.
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I agree which is why I was so frustrated.
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Kim is right on target. All the helicoptering is not making for a better child but instead a child who thinks that they are the center of the universe. Send them off to college and many of them cannot function. I teach college so my comment is based on my experience. Then I read the story about the parent who went on their child’s job interview – not the young adult who was the goal of that parenting. These parents need to get their own life and not live through their children!
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I agree. I think some parents just can’t let go and need to be needed.
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Oh, this is so true! As a high school teacher for many decades, I see some really frantic parents being inappropriately involved in their kids’ lives. Sad, isn’t it, that poor performing schools have never heard of this issue. Both ends of the spectrum are really bad for kids.
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I remember being shocked when our daughter was in preschool that there was a rule that you needed to stay and read to your child for 15 mins before you left. Of the 20 kids in the class, the parents of only 3 or so kids would actually do the reading. I thought, if you’re bailing on this very minimal request at this age, how are Earth are you going to make sure homework gets done and your kid is performing at grade level?
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My son in Kindergarten, his class has 16 children, in his class they celebrate 8 events, the parents are assigned which event they will coordinate (2 familes per event).
After reading the comment thread here, I’m glad that it is scheduled thusly, we were involved, but not too much.
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I agree with many things you mentioned in this post. I live in a neighboring town (River Forest) and have 3 kids in public school, so I’m very familiar with how all the parental enthusiasm creates a supply and demand problem for things like field trips, with only 2 chaperone spots for a class of 18. Plus, at the middle school level, opportunities for parent volunteers are few and far between compared to elementary school. And you’re certainly right that as kids get older they may object to their parent being at school events for any reason!
Every school culture is different, so maybe this doesn’t fit your situation exactly, but I know the PTOs at our elem and middle school are constantly trying to engage different parents in leadership roles so that the same “20 people” don’t burn out. Maybe it’s perceived by some that the same people are doing the same jobs year after year by choice, but in fact I’ve been compelled to remain in volunteer jobs another year because no one stepped up to take over. (Where are those out of work moms with too much time on their hands when I need them? Ha!)
PS – I came across your blog via the PAWS Facebook page. I love your fostering posts! Very inspirational and uplifting.
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May5May – Our daughter was at Lincoln in Oak Park for k-4 and Grace Lutheran for 5-8. She’ll be graduating in 2 wks. If there were people who stayed in the positions because no one stepped up, I’m wondering if emails were sent out or parents were contacted directly. And what would happen if you didn’t do it? Would someone else step up? All I know is that I tried every year multiple times to organize fundraising events, chaperone field trips and organize class parties, teacher gifts, Girl Scout cookie sales, etc and 90% of the time it was the same 20 people. Your situation may be different but it’s been kind of heartbreaking as we only has one child through adoption so I don’t have any more shots at this. I hope you can talk to the PTO or others at your school because it’s good for both you and others to rotate positions. Perhaps if you were willing to mentor someone, they’d feel more comfortable taking over. High 5 over PAWS by the way!
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