March
21
Regaining My Footing
In a work setting recently someone said something really insulting to me in front of a group of people. This doesn’t happen very often, fortunately, but because it was work-related and I was trying to harness all of my patience and judgement, I felt pressured to react calmly, professionally and in a manner that would put others at ease. When someone says something REALLY out of line, I never see it coming and it knocks me off-balance a bit psychologically. I always need a bit to time to process what happened and try to understand why someone said something inappropriate. Did I provoke it? In this case it was a stranger and I had just walked into the room. Sometimes I wish I could push the pause button before I needed to react to give me a moment to collect my thoughts.
Not having that luxury, I took a deep breath and decided in that moment to ignore in my response, the sting that hurt so much and try to be upbeat and matter-of-fact in my response. Because here’s what I’ve figured out over time: if someone is a jerk to me and I’m don’t respond like a jerk back to them, I leave the conversation feeling as though I didn’t lose sight of the person I aim to be. If I take the bait though, verbally rolling around in the mud and being rude back, I will always feel worse about my handling of it. I’ve read many responses by advice columnists on how to handle rude comments or questions. “Why do you ask?” is a good response to questions about weight, money, age, and other personal matters. If it’s a comment from a stranger in a non-work environment, sometimes I let it just hang in the air and refuse to acknowledge it. It’s surprisingly effective. With work-related rudeness I have decided that pretending that there’s been a misunderstanding often dissolves the tension so the conversation doesn’t escalate into a verbal insult-fest; “Oh perhaps I wasn’t clear…” or “Oh please allow me to explain another point of view because I think there’s been a misunderstanding.” Perhaps the best antidote to rude behavior is being kind to a stranger. A nice conversation with the person who hands me my Frappacino at Starbucks or a generous tip for a cheerful and competent waiter helps me regain my footing and remember the person I aim to be.
yes. it's my real name. 
Your response was amazing. Your professionalism and strength awesome. It still breaks my heart that I waited like a child at Christmas to meet you again, only to have been made aware that “this” is what you will remember about your trip to our town. Please know that your talks are really sinking in to change people… I heard two ladies talking and laughing about how you and Bill “really got to them” and that in looking at quilt patterns that they used to love, all they thought now was “B.O.R.I.N.G!” You are changing how we look at our craft and changing our perspective of what should be important in this process! And that is first and foremost that WE love doing what we are doing and love making whatever we are making. I truly respect and applaud you. Thank you for the inspiration.
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Oh thank you Wendy! I can’t tell you how much I appreciated your comments that day and here. Your insights are so helpful because we don’t see or hear what happens after we a class ends or after a lecture. Our aim isn’t to change people so much as it is to offer a new way of thinking to those who are interested in it. However, from the very first class we taught in 2001 at the Clearing in Door County we realized that our ideas and approach are unsettling to some because of exactly what you describe. We offer a different way of looking at quilts and not everyone is open to that. Most people who find it threatening don’t show up for classes so the people we usually get are those like yourself who are excited and open to new ideas. So along with “this” I will also remember those of you who were supportive and enthusiastic and open and I will think about how much harder that day would have been without that positivity. And I will also think about the kind young woman at the Starbucks drive-thru at lunch who casually said, “So how’s your day going?” in such a sincere and interested tone of voice. Sometimes someone just randomly looking at me in a kind way reminds me that I wasn’t the problem. Thanks again for your support. It would have been a bleaker day without it for sure.
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I have been a long time fan of your quilt patterns and fabric, and only found your blog last night after tossing & turning over how to respond to a particularly challenging co-worker. I binge-read them all in one sitting. I have referred to this post, the 2/16 choices post, and the one about “will you remember in a year?” All day long. Thank you for being so open and generous with your time and experience.
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I’m so glad you’ve found my blog helpful. I wish I had more time to write.
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